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Please do excuse this journal if it’s a bit of a mess, writing has never been my strongest point but I’ll try and make it as easy as possible and 100% true! -cringes-
I’ve posted this once already but forgot to proof read it like an idiot so here goes TAKE #2
So let’s go back to January 2018, I’ve been chatting to this girl (we shall call her Shaniqua for privacy’s sake.) but yeah, I’ve been seeing this girl from a dating app for the past few weeks and we’ve met two or three times. Chemistry seems quite high and everything so far has been smooth sailing. Neither of us have been catfished, well.... at least I don’t think she felt catfished gulps
The story starts at approx midday on a typical boring Sunday. Worst day of the week in my opinion. Me and Shaniqua are still in bed because fuck Sunday’s that’s why. It’s been a lazy Netflix kind of day and basically NOT doing anything productive l is my main priority for the day.
Suddenly Shaniqua‘ phone starts buzzing, it’s her best friend calling to check everything’s cool and that I’ve not buried her in a random field most likely!
A minute or two passes when suddenly she tells me that her friend thinks it would be a good idea to go for a meal as a double date in half an hour or so. Here’s where I’m going to look like a little bitch but please note I have made progress since this story takes place. Basically I’m not sure how many guys can relate to this but for me, having a fresh haircut can be as confidence lifting as a face full of makeup is for a woman... and right at this point I’m looking anything but fresh haha!
We discuss it backward and forward for what seemed like an eternity of me saying no and her telling me to not be a little bitch (rightfully so 😂) until she eventually gives up and texts her friend the shitty answer that she totally didn’t want.
I feel like a total let down but fuck it, my anxiety was definitely patting me on the back for the decision lol
Fast forward a few days I’m at work.
Literally thinking about anything other than being at work because I really just couldn’t be fucked dealing with people or problems that day, it was icy cold and my bed was just begging for me to return home, when suddenly I get a text. It’s a text from Shaniqua, so I quickly park the forklift truck in a hiding spot so I can read the message in peace without any brown nosers reporting me for having two seconds to myself. I open the text and all I can say is, I’m glad no one saw my reaction because I can only imagine it was a face of pure terror.
“My best friend text me earlier and has asked if you want to go ice skating this weekend as a double date, especially considering we didn’t do anything over the weekend, text back when you can.”
Fuuuuuuck. For anyone reading this you’re probably confused as to why I’m so mortified but let me just say. I’m awful with anything to do with sports, coordination or anything that most humans can pick up quite easily. Let’s just say I’m the guy that would be picked last for the sports team, unless we’re talking about basketball.
Now another reason I’m saying fuuuuuck is the fact I kind of like this girl. This text however is a big problem because I’m trying to make my first impressions really count and I’d already let her down the weekend before, so if I do this again I’m the most awful human being. But at the same time I can’t just ask her if we can do something else because then I’d just seem like that boring guy that Shaniqua is wasting her time on.
“Sure, ice skating sounds like fun, I’m down.”
Text sent, instant regret but fuck it, I’ve somewhat redeemed myself for being a party pooper the weekend prior.
So the tickets have been paid bought and ice skating has been arranged for the oncoming Saturday, this is the same Saturday that I’m going to an event with Shaniqua called Scarefest, for anyone that doesn’t have a clue what that is just imagine mini maze like buildings with paid actors dressed up as clowns, creepy looking abandoned villagers and all other creepy things. Basically Shaniqua is making an effort to do something with me and my friends even though she hates anything horror so it’s only fair that I step out of my comfort zone too!
Days pass by as I’m just constantly thinking about the impending doom that awaits me, I talk to my work colleagues and ask them if they’ve ever been ice skating before just for some advice and a little reassurance that it won’t be a complete train wreck. It’s a warehouse, notoriously known for men that like to take the piss and troll, so the answers I get back in response are somewhat the complete opposite of what I’d like to hear.
Anyway this stories going on too much and I’ve not even got to the date yet, jeez talk about suspense!
Saturday arrives and I wake up feeling like today will be the last day of my life, as if I could foresee the future (I wish.)
I check my phone, it’s currently 9am so I’ve got roughly 40 minutes to get something to eat and be ready for this double date. I’m a guy with not much style so getting ready takes no more than 15 minutes is usually. Shower, hair wax, slice of toast and pow, come get me world!
My phone screen lights up to a display a text saying “we’re on our way, wait outside.”
At this very point my good old friend anxiety decides to dig his claws deep inside the furthest points of my thinking and remove any optimism with nothing but worry and countless other negative thoughts.
I step outside and say goodbye to the house fully well knowing I’ll probably never see it again because right now I’m expecting the worst, maybe hypothermia or an ice blade to the neck or something.
Shaiqua and her friends arrive, let’s call them Tyrone and Latifah just because it’s the furthest possible thing from what these guys actually are, I get in the back of the car next to Shaniqua and start making small talk with everyone to make sure first impressions with her friends aren’t too awkward.
Latifah is driving and just a quick glance at her gives me crazy flashbacks, no way... this was a girl I used to talk to about ten years ago and id even had a fling with her in the past... oh god I hope she has bad memory and doesn’t remember me otherwise things are about to get extremely awkward.
Latifah starts telling some embarrassing stories about how Shaniqua once pissed the bed and after that story the conversation flows quite fluently, I definitely felt right at home although I knew I was going the furthest place away from home right now. This was literally some one giant step for mankind moment for me. It’s safe to say I haven’t been remembered and let out a big sigh of relief.
We pull up to the car park of the SnowDome and I must say it looks a hell of a lot bigger than I’d imagine. I can’t believe I was gonna be dragged into something I felt so strongly against but I just guess that’s the shit romance can do to you!
We get out of the car and head towards the entrance of the SnowDome, Tyrone holding a joint that he had been waiting to smoke for a whole ten minutes lights up and him and Shaniqua walk around the corner out of the way to smoke up, im left with Shaniqua’ best friend so I decided to warn her just how much I was going to end up embarrassing everyone as a whole, she just laughed it off and said I’d be fine. She CLEARLY didn’t know who she was talking to... technically she should because we’ve met in the past but I’m very thankful that I’m forgettable!
We head inside, show our tickets and get the skates suited for us and find a place to get prepared, I can remember the waiting room being absolutely full of people eager to get on the ice rink, I was just eager to leave it if anything!
Some member of staff gets everyone’s attention and starts talking but all I can hear is “blah blah blah” I’m way too busy zoning out to care.
This was the most misleading part, the skating boots are SO easy to walk in on solid ground so when we all eventually left for the ice rink I was majorly thrown off guard as my legs started buckling and wobbling like a drunk person on a night out at 2am in the morning trying to walk to a local kebab shop or something! Everyone else skates past like naturals apart from Shaniqua and her friends, they’re too busy marvelling at just how difficult I’m making this all look. For anyone that has seen Bambi.. yeah, that was me!
I immediately fall over and just hear fits of laughter as I try and get back on my feet but that’s about as difficult as a spider trying to climb out of a bath tub. I eventually reach the edge of the rink and grab onto the small Barrier that circles the entire ice rink as I try and get my balance and just restart. I can feel my cheeks turning bright red with embarrassment but I just laugh it off, I mean it is just fun afterall right? Yeah.. sure 😅
Shaniqua and Latifah try and give tips on how to glide but that’s like trying to teach Stephen hawking how to walk, it’s not as easy as they might remember. Tyrone isn’t really saying anything at all, I think he’s too high for that shit.
I fall over about 5 more times before it starts getting a little too embarrassing, 6 year old children gliding past me as I lay in a slump on the ice trying to get myself up whilst the girl I’m meant to be impressing is probably thinking “oh shit, what even is this guy”
This is all getting to much so I just go to the edge and hold onto the wall again and just keep walking around the edge, trying to ease myself into it a bit better, families overtaking me as I stumble and tumble around.
No progress has been made in over 40 minutes, this is how I knew ice skating just wasn’t for me. We decide to take a break and go to the lobby for refreshments as we’ve booked a two hour session afterall.
Shaniqua asks me if I want to carry on, I’m extremely embarrassed but this is probably a common thing for couples going ice skating for the first time so I closed the curtains on my anxiety, gave my thoughts the middle finger and told her I’m okay with going back out and continuing.
As we get back out I’m holding onto her for dear life remembering exactly what happened last time I attempted to stand on the ice, she continues trying to give me tips, failing miserably but trying, she eventually persuaded me to go to the middle of the ice rink with her so we make a break for it. I’ve already fallen over a million times so what’s the worst that can happen... when suddenly... it happened. My current favourite song at the time came on the radio “Disciples - On My Mind” for anyone curious. I’m not quite sure what possessed me but I just remember saying to Shaniqua “oooh this is my jam!!” As I start gliding quicker, for once not falling flat on my face when suddenly the story turns sour.
All I can remember is Shaniqua taking a sharp turn and because I was holding her hand I remember turning my legs but slipping at the same time resulting in a POP sound, I remember my favourite song becoming muffled as everything went slow motion. I fell to the ground faster than a sack of shit, landing perfectly on my side. However this time I knew i would not be getting back up, this time something was wrong. I remember my leg being locked and not moving as I sat up at an awkward angle, worry getting the best of me because I didn’t know if I snapped my leg or just twisted it so I put my hand where my kneecap should be and just remember not feeling it, it was intact to the side of my leg locked up. Fuck was it uncomfortable as I remember resting my head back on the ice and saying to Shaniqua that this time I’m fucked up, she laughed until she saw how serious my and came closer to ask what’s wrong. I still wasn’t fully sure so I told her my leg is fucked up and I can’t move. I just remember resting my head back down and praying that a nearby family doesn’t get too close and decapitate me.
In all fairness I took this whole traumatic experience on the chin and tried to remain as calm as possible despite feeling like Buzz Lightyear after trying to fly and falling flat on the floor losing his arm.
It’s funny how anxiety makes you worry more about how other people are going to react over the potential seriousness of your injury, like I couldn’t really give a fuck about my leg I just remember not wanting to be in everyone’s view. A few members of staff come out to try and get a rough idea of what to do and at this point a small crowd start forming around me to see what’s happening. I couldn’t really feel a thing at all, Shaniqua and her friends had gone from happy and laughing to a genuine look of concern. Right now they were my only comfort, my only slice of familiarity amongst all the other random faces I can see. The staff bring out a stretcher and eased me onto it as another member of staff starts putting a big guard around us all to clear the families and shoo them away. Apart from one guy, he wasn’t a staff but actually just a father having a day out with his son. But more importantly this was was a doctor, he had a feel around of my knee area and told me not to worry. By this point I knew I was in safe hands so all of my worry started shifting and I can just remember laughing. I remember asking him one thing. “Excuse me mate, I booked tickets to go scarefest later today, please tell me that my leg is too fucked up to go” the look on this guys face was rather hilarious, his facial reaction said it all as he must have been so confused as to why my biggest concern is about attending scarefest over getting the help I need 😂
He laughed it off and told me that it’s looking very unlikely. I was gutted, I’d planend this two months ago and it’s one event every year that I absolutely never miss. I’m a massive horror fan so this is a big cutback.
One of the members of staff puts a coat over me to stop me from getting too cold, I remember her explaining how they’re going to take me into the back room, out of the way whilst we wait for the ambulance to arrive.
So here I am, on a first date with a girl I really like except... I’m being dragged across the entirety of the ice rink feeling hundreds of eyes burning through my conscious. I pulled the coat over my head and just decided to play dead for all of the families staring. I still wonder to this day if ANYONE actually believed I was actually dead.
I literally felt like an empty bag of chips that had been thrown onto a riverbread as I skimmed across the floor lifelessly. I actually envied them... at least they aren’t aware of what’s happening!
By this point my leg starts aching as adrenaline and shock starts wearing off, they open a door and push me and the stretcher through into a big empty room. FINALLY I’m out of the way! Latifah tells Shaniqua that she’s going to leave us in peace. It was at that point I remembered that the original plan was to go ice skating and then go for a cold beer and meal afterwards, damn I’d do anything for a beer or twenty at this current moment 😂
Shaniqua and I start small talk with the staff explaining how this is actually a first date and just remember hearing a fit of laughter backwards and forwards, although embarrassing this did put me at ease because it kept my mind off the aching feeling had and let me concentrate on something else.
I ask some guy “do you have injuries like this very often” to which he laughed and then responded with “I hate to tell you but this is a very rare occurrence”
I was sooooo fucking surprised. I thought this would happen all the time!!
Oh damn, that was a question I regretted asking because now I felt like such a bad burden on everyone who’s session I’d interuppted although I’m sure they all had a story to tell when they got home!
Every now and then I’d put my hand very lightly on my kneecap, the ice had done it wonders because it had moved from a 3 o clock angle to approximately 1 o clock. Maybe I wouldn’t need surgery afterall!!
Mr Doctor guy takes my skates off and takes the sock off my injured leg for some reason, he stated that it was for blood flow purposes but I just think he secretly had a foot fetish. Time and a place for that my friend.
After what seemed like an eternity of small talk the ambulance arrived, they came rushing with another stretcher as they checked on me and asked me if I could try and stand up on one leg without putting weight on my other so that I could get on the much higher stretcher.
“Yeah sure!” I said confidently, feeling anything but confident as I grabbed two hands and pulled myself up. The problem being that I’m so used to standing on both feet for approximately 20+ years of my life that it had become a natural habit. Basically what I’m saying is I totally put weight on both legs.
POP was all I felt, a quickly sense of panic but relief overcame me as I realised that this time the popping was my kneecap slotting back in place, I’d literally never felt so relieved in my life. It didn’t even hurt!
They strapped me in and started wheeling me off towards the ambulance. I couldn’t quite believe that I was actually going to be sat in the back of one for the first time in my life, totally forgetting that this was a date. I now felt like an excited little kid. It’s somethint I wouldn’t wish on anyone but it’s something that everyone needs to experience at least once!
I thank the members of staff and the doctor that had been giving me advice as the paramedics closed the doors and started driving off.
We started departing from the car park when suddenly the ambulance comes to an abrupt stop. SMASH is all I hear!
“What the fuck, this is the unluckiest day ever” was all I could think!
I look at Shaniqua like what the fuck has happened. A paramedic jumped out of the back of the truck to check out what the problem was.
Basically the driver was a newbie and she had tried to drive under a height barrier in the car park that was too low for the ambulance to fit under. Resulting in the lights on top of the vehicle smashing. I couldn’t even make this up it I tried.
Suddenly I felt like my bad luck was passing onto someone else, I felt bad for her because it must have been embarrassing but I was also rather relieved at the same time! The paramedics spoke backwards and forward for a minute or two discussing what to do now. Eventually coming to the decision that they’d continue the journey in this ambulance!
I ask Shaniqua to pull my phone out of my pocket, fuck my leg my biggest concern right now was the fact that my phone may potentially be cracked. Welcome to my generation ladies and gentleman!
She pulls the phone out and I cover my face peeking through my fingers as if I’m watching the scariest movie as I judge her reaction before she announces that my phone is somehow unscathed during the whole ordeal.
She passes me the phone and I notice that I’ve had a message in the group chat i have with all my male friends “how’s the ice skating going?” The message reads.
I take a picture of the view from my stretcher in the ambulance and respond with “well, this view you’re seeing is me in an ambulance, so I’ll let you lads be the judge of that!”
Now I’m not too sure why I was expecting anything other than the instant response I get from the lads, my phone lights up to a message saying
”HAHAHAHAHAHAA OMG”
Cheers boys! I’d definitely be doing the same if I wasn’t in my shoes though!
We get to the hospital, I wait for a couple of hours in the waiting room for my X-ray, I call for a friend to pick me up and eventually we leave. Where to you ask?
Well, scarefest of course!!
A dislocated knee wasn’t going to stop me from having my annual fun!
The journey takes an hour or so, by this point the shock and adrenaline had completely cut off and now all I was left with was a thobbing aching sensation in my leg, literally felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I went into one of the six mazes before deciding it was a bad idea. Me and Shaniqua sat at a cafe for the rest of the night until my friends had finished and we left.
This day had been extremely embarrassing but at the same time it had also been a real fucking laugh; we’d both somehow enjoyed the experience and she found the whole ordeal hilarious! 😂
After a few hours of sitting in a really uncomfortable position. We get back to mine and get into bed; what a day it was! That’s when she decided if I wanted sex, for once I turned her offer down... crazy, I know! It’s funny how your sex drive crashes when you feel like your legs been chopped off. A few weeks later she was asking me to go ice skating again. 🙄
Thank you for reading this special slice of my 2018, me and Shaniqua had a few more dates after this one before eventually parting ways midway through the year, we’re just friends now but this will forever be a story that I hold closely to me.
I hope you all enjoyed the story though. If you guys enjoyed this I’ll think about doing more.
Anyway. I hope you have the BEST possible start to your new year, catch you later guys!
I’ve posted this once already but forgot to proof read it like an idiot so here goes TAKE #2
So let’s go back to January 2018, I’ve been chatting to this girl (we shall call her Shaniqua for privacy’s sake.) but yeah, I’ve been seeing this girl from a dating app for the past few weeks and we’ve met two or three times. Chemistry seems quite high and everything so far has been smooth sailing. Neither of us have been catfished, well.... at least I don’t think she felt catfished gulps
The story starts at approx midday on a typical boring Sunday. Worst day of the week in my opinion. Me and Shaniqua are still in bed because fuck Sunday’s that’s why. It’s been a lazy Netflix kind of day and basically NOT doing anything productive l is my main priority for the day.
Suddenly Shaniqua‘ phone starts buzzing, it’s her best friend calling to check everything’s cool and that I’ve not buried her in a random field most likely!
A minute or two passes when suddenly she tells me that her friend thinks it would be a good idea to go for a meal as a double date in half an hour or so. Here’s where I’m going to look like a little bitch but please note I have made progress since this story takes place. Basically I’m not sure how many guys can relate to this but for me, having a fresh haircut can be as confidence lifting as a face full of makeup is for a woman... and right at this point I’m looking anything but fresh haha!
We discuss it backward and forward for what seemed like an eternity of me saying no and her telling me to not be a little bitch (rightfully so 😂) until she eventually gives up and texts her friend the shitty answer that she totally didn’t want.
I feel like a total let down but fuck it, my anxiety was definitely patting me on the back for the decision lol
Fast forward a few days I’m at work.
Literally thinking about anything other than being at work because I really just couldn’t be fucked dealing with people or problems that day, it was icy cold and my bed was just begging for me to return home, when suddenly I get a text. It’s a text from Shaniqua, so I quickly park the forklift truck in a hiding spot so I can read the message in peace without any brown nosers reporting me for having two seconds to myself. I open the text and all I can say is, I’m glad no one saw my reaction because I can only imagine it was a face of pure terror.
“My best friend text me earlier and has asked if you want to go ice skating this weekend as a double date, especially considering we didn’t do anything over the weekend, text back when you can.”
Fuuuuuuck. For anyone reading this you’re probably confused as to why I’m so mortified but let me just say. I’m awful with anything to do with sports, coordination or anything that most humans can pick up quite easily. Let’s just say I’m the guy that would be picked last for the sports team, unless we’re talking about basketball.
Now another reason I’m saying fuuuuuck is the fact I kind of like this girl. This text however is a big problem because I’m trying to make my first impressions really count and I’d already let her down the weekend before, so if I do this again I’m the most awful human being. But at the same time I can’t just ask her if we can do something else because then I’d just seem like that boring guy that Shaniqua is wasting her time on.
“Sure, ice skating sounds like fun, I’m down.”
Text sent, instant regret but fuck it, I’ve somewhat redeemed myself for being a party pooper the weekend prior.
So the tickets have been paid bought and ice skating has been arranged for the oncoming Saturday, this is the same Saturday that I’m going to an event with Shaniqua called Scarefest, for anyone that doesn’t have a clue what that is just imagine mini maze like buildings with paid actors dressed up as clowns, creepy looking abandoned villagers and all other creepy things. Basically Shaniqua is making an effort to do something with me and my friends even though she hates anything horror so it’s only fair that I step out of my comfort zone too!
Days pass by as I’m just constantly thinking about the impending doom that awaits me, I talk to my work colleagues and ask them if they’ve ever been ice skating before just for some advice and a little reassurance that it won’t be a complete train wreck. It’s a warehouse, notoriously known for men that like to take the piss and troll, so the answers I get back in response are somewhat the complete opposite of what I’d like to hear.
Anyway this stories going on too much and I’ve not even got to the date yet, jeez talk about suspense!
Saturday arrives and I wake up feeling like today will be the last day of my life, as if I could foresee the future (I wish.)
I check my phone, it’s currently 9am so I’ve got roughly 40 minutes to get something to eat and be ready for this double date. I’m a guy with not much style so getting ready takes no more than 15 minutes is usually. Shower, hair wax, slice of toast and pow, come get me world!
My phone screen lights up to a display a text saying “we’re on our way, wait outside.”
At this very point my good old friend anxiety decides to dig his claws deep inside the furthest points of my thinking and remove any optimism with nothing but worry and countless other negative thoughts.
I step outside and say goodbye to the house fully well knowing I’ll probably never see it again because right now I’m expecting the worst, maybe hypothermia or an ice blade to the neck or something.
Shaiqua and her friends arrive, let’s call them Tyrone and Latifah just because it’s the furthest possible thing from what these guys actually are, I get in the back of the car next to Shaniqua and start making small talk with everyone to make sure first impressions with her friends aren’t too awkward.
Latifah is driving and just a quick glance at her gives me crazy flashbacks, no way... this was a girl I used to talk to about ten years ago and id even had a fling with her in the past... oh god I hope she has bad memory and doesn’t remember me otherwise things are about to get extremely awkward.
Latifah starts telling some embarrassing stories about how Shaniqua once pissed the bed and after that story the conversation flows quite fluently, I definitely felt right at home although I knew I was going the furthest place away from home right now. This was literally some one giant step for mankind moment for me. It’s safe to say I haven’t been remembered and let out a big sigh of relief.
We pull up to the car park of the SnowDome and I must say it looks a hell of a lot bigger than I’d imagine. I can’t believe I was gonna be dragged into something I felt so strongly against but I just guess that’s the shit romance can do to you!
We get out of the car and head towards the entrance of the SnowDome, Tyrone holding a joint that he had been waiting to smoke for a whole ten minutes lights up and him and Shaniqua walk around the corner out of the way to smoke up, im left with Shaniqua’ best friend so I decided to warn her just how much I was going to end up embarrassing everyone as a whole, she just laughed it off and said I’d be fine. She CLEARLY didn’t know who she was talking to... technically she should because we’ve met in the past but I’m very thankful that I’m forgettable!
We head inside, show our tickets and get the skates suited for us and find a place to get prepared, I can remember the waiting room being absolutely full of people eager to get on the ice rink, I was just eager to leave it if anything!
Some member of staff gets everyone’s attention and starts talking but all I can hear is “blah blah blah” I’m way too busy zoning out to care.
This was the most misleading part, the skating boots are SO easy to walk in on solid ground so when we all eventually left for the ice rink I was majorly thrown off guard as my legs started buckling and wobbling like a drunk person on a night out at 2am in the morning trying to walk to a local kebab shop or something! Everyone else skates past like naturals apart from Shaniqua and her friends, they’re too busy marvelling at just how difficult I’m making this all look. For anyone that has seen Bambi.. yeah, that was me!
I immediately fall over and just hear fits of laughter as I try and get back on my feet but that’s about as difficult as a spider trying to climb out of a bath tub. I eventually reach the edge of the rink and grab onto the small Barrier that circles the entire ice rink as I try and get my balance and just restart. I can feel my cheeks turning bright red with embarrassment but I just laugh it off, I mean it is just fun afterall right? Yeah.. sure 😅
Shaniqua and Latifah try and give tips on how to glide but that’s like trying to teach Stephen hawking how to walk, it’s not as easy as they might remember. Tyrone isn’t really saying anything at all, I think he’s too high for that shit.
I fall over about 5 more times before it starts getting a little too embarrassing, 6 year old children gliding past me as I lay in a slump on the ice trying to get myself up whilst the girl I’m meant to be impressing is probably thinking “oh shit, what even is this guy”
This is all getting to much so I just go to the edge and hold onto the wall again and just keep walking around the edge, trying to ease myself into it a bit better, families overtaking me as I stumble and tumble around.
No progress has been made in over 40 minutes, this is how I knew ice skating just wasn’t for me. We decide to take a break and go to the lobby for refreshments as we’ve booked a two hour session afterall.
Shaniqua asks me if I want to carry on, I’m extremely embarrassed but this is probably a common thing for couples going ice skating for the first time so I closed the curtains on my anxiety, gave my thoughts the middle finger and told her I’m okay with going back out and continuing.
As we get back out I’m holding onto her for dear life remembering exactly what happened last time I attempted to stand on the ice, she continues trying to give me tips, failing miserably but trying, she eventually persuaded me to go to the middle of the ice rink with her so we make a break for it. I’ve already fallen over a million times so what’s the worst that can happen... when suddenly... it happened. My current favourite song at the time came on the radio “Disciples - On My Mind” for anyone curious. I’m not quite sure what possessed me but I just remember saying to Shaniqua “oooh this is my jam!!” As I start gliding quicker, for once not falling flat on my face when suddenly the story turns sour.
All I can remember is Shaniqua taking a sharp turn and because I was holding her hand I remember turning my legs but slipping at the same time resulting in a POP sound, I remember my favourite song becoming muffled as everything went slow motion. I fell to the ground faster than a sack of shit, landing perfectly on my side. However this time I knew i would not be getting back up, this time something was wrong. I remember my leg being locked and not moving as I sat up at an awkward angle, worry getting the best of me because I didn’t know if I snapped my leg or just twisted it so I put my hand where my kneecap should be and just remember not feeling it, it was intact to the side of my leg locked up. Fuck was it uncomfortable as I remember resting my head back on the ice and saying to Shaniqua that this time I’m fucked up, she laughed until she saw how serious my and came closer to ask what’s wrong. I still wasn’t fully sure so I told her my leg is fucked up and I can’t move. I just remember resting my head back down and praying that a nearby family doesn’t get too close and decapitate me.
In all fairness I took this whole traumatic experience on the chin and tried to remain as calm as possible despite feeling like Buzz Lightyear after trying to fly and falling flat on the floor losing his arm.
It’s funny how anxiety makes you worry more about how other people are going to react over the potential seriousness of your injury, like I couldn’t really give a fuck about my leg I just remember not wanting to be in everyone’s view. A few members of staff come out to try and get a rough idea of what to do and at this point a small crowd start forming around me to see what’s happening. I couldn’t really feel a thing at all, Shaniqua and her friends had gone from happy and laughing to a genuine look of concern. Right now they were my only comfort, my only slice of familiarity amongst all the other random faces I can see. The staff bring out a stretcher and eased me onto it as another member of staff starts putting a big guard around us all to clear the families and shoo them away. Apart from one guy, he wasn’t a staff but actually just a father having a day out with his son. But more importantly this was was a doctor, he had a feel around of my knee area and told me not to worry. By this point I knew I was in safe hands so all of my worry started shifting and I can just remember laughing. I remember asking him one thing. “Excuse me mate, I booked tickets to go scarefest later today, please tell me that my leg is too fucked up to go” the look on this guys face was rather hilarious, his facial reaction said it all as he must have been so confused as to why my biggest concern is about attending scarefest over getting the help I need 😂
He laughed it off and told me that it’s looking very unlikely. I was gutted, I’d planend this two months ago and it’s one event every year that I absolutely never miss. I’m a massive horror fan so this is a big cutback.
One of the members of staff puts a coat over me to stop me from getting too cold, I remember her explaining how they’re going to take me into the back room, out of the way whilst we wait for the ambulance to arrive.
So here I am, on a first date with a girl I really like except... I’m being dragged across the entirety of the ice rink feeling hundreds of eyes burning through my conscious. I pulled the coat over my head and just decided to play dead for all of the families staring. I still wonder to this day if ANYONE actually believed I was actually dead.
I literally felt like an empty bag of chips that had been thrown onto a riverbread as I skimmed across the floor lifelessly. I actually envied them... at least they aren’t aware of what’s happening!
By this point my leg starts aching as adrenaline and shock starts wearing off, they open a door and push me and the stretcher through into a big empty room. FINALLY I’m out of the way! Latifah tells Shaniqua that she’s going to leave us in peace. It was at that point I remembered that the original plan was to go ice skating and then go for a cold beer and meal afterwards, damn I’d do anything for a beer or twenty at this current moment 😂
Shaniqua and I start small talk with the staff explaining how this is actually a first date and just remember hearing a fit of laughter backwards and forwards, although embarrassing this did put me at ease because it kept my mind off the aching feeling had and let me concentrate on something else.
I ask some guy “do you have injuries like this very often” to which he laughed and then responded with “I hate to tell you but this is a very rare occurrence”
I was sooooo fucking surprised. I thought this would happen all the time!!
Oh damn, that was a question I regretted asking because now I felt like such a bad burden on everyone who’s session I’d interuppted although I’m sure they all had a story to tell when they got home!
Every now and then I’d put my hand very lightly on my kneecap, the ice had done it wonders because it had moved from a 3 o clock angle to approximately 1 o clock. Maybe I wouldn’t need surgery afterall!!
Mr Doctor guy takes my skates off and takes the sock off my injured leg for some reason, he stated that it was for blood flow purposes but I just think he secretly had a foot fetish. Time and a place for that my friend.
After what seemed like an eternity of small talk the ambulance arrived, they came rushing with another stretcher as they checked on me and asked me if I could try and stand up on one leg without putting weight on my other so that I could get on the much higher stretcher.
“Yeah sure!” I said confidently, feeling anything but confident as I grabbed two hands and pulled myself up. The problem being that I’m so used to standing on both feet for approximately 20+ years of my life that it had become a natural habit. Basically what I’m saying is I totally put weight on both legs.
POP was all I felt, a quickly sense of panic but relief overcame me as I realised that this time the popping was my kneecap slotting back in place, I’d literally never felt so relieved in my life. It didn’t even hurt!
They strapped me in and started wheeling me off towards the ambulance. I couldn’t quite believe that I was actually going to be sat in the back of one for the first time in my life, totally forgetting that this was a date. I now felt like an excited little kid. It’s somethint I wouldn’t wish on anyone but it’s something that everyone needs to experience at least once!
I thank the members of staff and the doctor that had been giving me advice as the paramedics closed the doors and started driving off.
We started departing from the car park when suddenly the ambulance comes to an abrupt stop. SMASH is all I hear!
“What the fuck, this is the unluckiest day ever” was all I could think!
I look at Shaniqua like what the fuck has happened. A paramedic jumped out of the back of the truck to check out what the problem was.
Basically the driver was a newbie and she had tried to drive under a height barrier in the car park that was too low for the ambulance to fit under. Resulting in the lights on top of the vehicle smashing. I couldn’t even make this up it I tried.
Suddenly I felt like my bad luck was passing onto someone else, I felt bad for her because it must have been embarrassing but I was also rather relieved at the same time! The paramedics spoke backwards and forward for a minute or two discussing what to do now. Eventually coming to the decision that they’d continue the journey in this ambulance!
I ask Shaniqua to pull my phone out of my pocket, fuck my leg my biggest concern right now was the fact that my phone may potentially be cracked. Welcome to my generation ladies and gentleman!
She pulls the phone out and I cover my face peeking through my fingers as if I’m watching the scariest movie as I judge her reaction before she announces that my phone is somehow unscathed during the whole ordeal.
She passes me the phone and I notice that I’ve had a message in the group chat i have with all my male friends “how’s the ice skating going?” The message reads.
I take a picture of the view from my stretcher in the ambulance and respond with “well, this view you’re seeing is me in an ambulance, so I’ll let you lads be the judge of that!”
Now I’m not too sure why I was expecting anything other than the instant response I get from the lads, my phone lights up to a message saying
”HAHAHAHAHAHAA OMG”
Cheers boys! I’d definitely be doing the same if I wasn’t in my shoes though!
We get to the hospital, I wait for a couple of hours in the waiting room for my X-ray, I call for a friend to pick me up and eventually we leave. Where to you ask?
Well, scarefest of course!!
A dislocated knee wasn’t going to stop me from having my annual fun!
The journey takes an hour or so, by this point the shock and adrenaline had completely cut off and now all I was left with was a thobbing aching sensation in my leg, literally felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I went into one of the six mazes before deciding it was a bad idea. Me and Shaniqua sat at a cafe for the rest of the night until my friends had finished and we left.
This day had been extremely embarrassing but at the same time it had also been a real fucking laugh; we’d both somehow enjoyed the experience and she found the whole ordeal hilarious! 😂
After a few hours of sitting in a really uncomfortable position. We get back to mine and get into bed; what a day it was! That’s when she decided if I wanted sex, for once I turned her offer down... crazy, I know! It’s funny how your sex drive crashes when you feel like your legs been chopped off. A few weeks later she was asking me to go ice skating again. 🙄
Thank you for reading this special slice of my 2018, me and Shaniqua had a few more dates after this one before eventually parting ways midway through the year, we’re just friends now but this will forever be a story that I hold closely to me.
I hope you all enjoyed the story though. If you guys enjoyed this I’ll think about doing more.
Anyway. I hope you have the BEST possible start to your new year, catch you later guys!
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Living with anxiety and depression
4 min read
People think I’m happy and outgoing and pleasant all of the time. Especially when I’d work. But to be honest most days I could break down and cry at any second. My anxiety makes me feel like everyone hates me and is judging me constantly. And most days I believe it with all of my heart. Most days, I feel like no one is ever going to understand.
2018 was meant to be the year of self discovery, so why has facing my problems crippled me mentally?
Man I just can’t put into words what I’m feeling. How can I explain to you how I’m feeling when I don’t even understand it myself? Pretty accurate for many of my days with anxiety and depression.
It sucks the life out of me. It makes me a person I don’t like. It makes me a bad friend, son, brother. It makes me feel completely useless on this planet. I always thought I would get better. I don’t believe I ever will be, and it’s a scary thought to live with.
Truth is I’m currently damaged, swimming in a pool of emotions everyday without fail. There’s constantly a violent storm inside of my head and heart. Even my best days are numbed by the nothingness inside of me. If I’m out having fun I’ll think about later when I’m alone, there’s nothing worse. I just really can’t do something as simple as relax. Birthdays and dates have been tricky to remember because everything is cloudy from my own stupid thoughts.
Having them both fucking tears me apart. I literally worry about every little thing, from not getting out of bed to not replying to people’s texts. But then depression makes me feel so sad, tired and deflated that I don’t have the energy to do anything. It’s like a war against yourself.
Depression and anxiety for me is like being scared and tired at once, not wanting to fail but not having the urge to be productive. Wanting to meet new people but being afraid of leaving the comfort zone. Wanting to be alone but not being lonely, feeling every emotion at once and then feeling nothing but numb.
I’m exhausted but no, I don’t need sleep. I’m just emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. And it’s the same thing day in and day out. Just some days, I’m better at faking and saying fuck it.
Am I crazy? Is everyone looking at me? What are they saying about me? Do my clothes look all right? Maybe I need a shave? Shall I go gym? If I go gym will things be okay? What will I do? Who will be there? I can always go tomorrow! Yeah fuck that, it’ll be too busy. Maybe a run instead? It’s too cold for that and plus I have no headphones for music. What if I have a strange run and people laugh? I should be doing more than this. But you never lost a single job last year. Yeah true, why so why can’t I hold a thing this year? Should I plan something? Yeah fuck it let’s plan something. The day has arrived but I’m no longer feeling it, maybe next time.
I need some money. Money isn’t everything! Yeah but you only have one life, live it to the max. Be happy. Am I happy? I don’t seem happy! Sometimes I am. Its more of a numb feeling. I’m happy if I’m just not sad. I need to clean my room and face responsibilities. Nah fuck it I’ll do it tomorrow. But you always say that! Just do it today! I don’t have the energy! Get off your arse! I need to start eating healthy. Healthy body healthy mind afterall. What is healthy? Got nothing in and I am not going shop looking like this! A takeaway will do! Pizza tastes good, but have I eaten too much? Nah I must look a stone heavier now. Fuck, I am tired. You won’t sleep though. I will if I try. What am I thinking that for? It makes no sense. Ahhhh, it’s 4am. I need to be up early, I was going to claim responsibilities in few hours. Fuck it, I’ll sleep today and try again the day after.
Me: Today is a new day, new start. Let’s fucking get it.
Anxiety: Worst idea ever, everyone will judge. Look at yourself.
Me: Yeah I guess that’s true... maybe tomorrow instead
Depression: Right, so where were we? I’ve got some more dark thoughts for you.
2018 was meant to be the year of self discovery, so why has facing my problems crippled me mentally?
Man I just can’t put into words what I’m feeling. How can I explain to you how I’m feeling when I don’t even understand it myself? Pretty accurate for many of my days with anxiety and depression.
It sucks the life out of me. It makes me a person I don’t like. It makes me a bad friend, son, brother. It makes me feel completely useless on this planet. I always thought I would get better. I don’t believe I ever will be, and it’s a scary thought to live with.
Truth is I’m currently damaged, swimming in a pool of emotions everyday without fail. There’s constantly a violent storm inside of my head and heart. Even my best days are numbed by the nothingness inside of me. If I’m out having fun I’ll think about later when I’m alone, there’s nothing worse. I just really can’t do something as simple as relax. Birthdays and dates have been tricky to remember because everything is cloudy from my own stupid thoughts.
Having them both fucking tears me apart. I literally worry about every little thing, from not getting out of bed to not replying to people’s texts. But then depression makes me feel so sad, tired and deflated that I don’t have the energy to do anything. It’s like a war against yourself.
Depression and anxiety for me is like being scared and tired at once, not wanting to fail but not having the urge to be productive. Wanting to meet new people but being afraid of leaving the comfort zone. Wanting to be alone but not being lonely, feeling every emotion at once and then feeling nothing but numb.
I’m exhausted but no, I don’t need sleep. I’m just emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. And it’s the same thing day in and day out. Just some days, I’m better at faking and saying fuck it.
Am I crazy? Is everyone looking at me? What are they saying about me? Do my clothes look all right? Maybe I need a shave? Shall I go gym? If I go gym will things be okay? What will I do? Who will be there? I can always go tomorrow! Yeah fuck that, it’ll be too busy. Maybe a run instead? It’s too cold for that and plus I have no headphones for music. What if I have a strange run and people laugh? I should be doing more than this. But you never lost a single job last year. Yeah true, why so why can’t I hold a thing this year? Should I plan something? Yeah fuck it let’s plan something. The day has arrived but I’m no longer feeling it, maybe next time.
I need some money. Money isn’t everything! Yeah but you only have one life, live it to the max. Be happy. Am I happy? I don’t seem happy! Sometimes I am. Its more of a numb feeling. I’m happy if I’m just not sad. I need to clean my room and face responsibilities. Nah fuck it I’ll do it tomorrow. But you always say that! Just do it today! I don’t have the energy! Get off your arse! I need to start eating healthy. Healthy body healthy mind afterall. What is healthy? Got nothing in and I am not going shop looking like this! A takeaway will do! Pizza tastes good, but have I eaten too much? Nah I must look a stone heavier now. Fuck, I am tired. You won’t sleep though. I will if I try. What am I thinking that for? It makes no sense. Ahhhh, it’s 4am. I need to be up early, I was going to claim responsibilities in few hours. Fuck it, I’ll sleep today and try again the day after.
Me: Today is a new day, new start. Let’s fucking get it.
Anxiety: Worst idea ever, everyone will judge. Look at yourself.
Me: Yeah I guess that’s true... maybe tomorrow instead
Depression: Right, so where were we? I’ve got some more dark thoughts for you.
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50k page views
1 min read
Only just noticed that but a special thank you to my watchers (I know not many of you are active any more because it's been sooooo long but yeah😂😂
Here's to 100k eventually! 🍻
Here's to 100k eventually! 🍻
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The beginning of the end?
1 min read
I feel like Deviant Art has changed massively the past few years, unsure if its a good change or bad but it feels like feedback is not quite as big any more, I remember when having your art getting viewed was a very common thing and it was always great having feedback or constructive criticism but it seems to be very rare now.
Now these things were always obviously going to happen with the vast increase of deviants & artwork being added but it was one of the main things, the excitement of having someone critic your hard work was so worth it!
The biggest thing is I've lost a major part of motivation and free time for creating new artwork. Work and growing up has made it really hard to take the time like I used to when I was younger, not to say that I will never upload again because I doubt that is the case!
Maybe it's just a phase but I feel like this may well be the beginning of the end..
Now these things were always obviously going to happen with the vast increase of deviants & artwork being added but it was one of the main things, the excitement of having someone critic your hard work was so worth it!
The biggest thing is I've lost a major part of motivation and free time for creating new artwork. Work and growing up has made it really hard to take the time like I used to when I was younger, not to say that I will never upload again because I doubt that is the case!
Maybe it's just a phase but I feel like this may well be the beginning of the end..
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Never Good Enough...
9 min read
All my life I've felt unloved ever since my father never really showed any compassion and was never involved in my upbringing. I've had almost no contact with him since the age of 12, I only saw him up to 5 times a year before that from the age of 4/5, in fact the last time I saw him was at my granddads funeral. My mother and him could never sort their differences out especially when he started to drink more. Ever since that happened things turned to shit, I had no father figure and my mum was too easy with me so my school work started getting worse, and I started to get easily stressed out. I started turning extremely shy because I felt like an outsider compared to most other kids.. who knows how many friends I missed out on because of that, being shy also must have made me look weird because I can remember being called weird by this girl for no reason at all really... it might not seem like an insult to most people, but to me it felt like how a girl would feel after being insulted because of her weight. I didn't really have any hobbies and didn't do very much in my free time because my brother had his own mates and my friends only played football and I wasn't good enough to join in, I've never been good at many things though really, at school I was the guy that was picked last for sports teams. The fact people know you're bad at something without ever seeing you do it before says something really, maybe I just look useless I don't know. In my final year of school I stopped going, my attendance was approximately 40% by the end, I got told to not do 3 of my subjects because my attendance was so low, I'm not going to blame my dad for it but I'm sure thing's would have been much different if he was still here.
When I was 13 I had my first girlfriend, She was great looking and things were finally looking good after not seeing my dad for almost 2 years already, I felt happy and most of all I felt loved, I met this girl regularly... well, up until she cheated on me with a best friend of mine. The next few months were a nightmare, I was getting very dark thoughts and knew this wasn't right for a 13 year old, I desperately needed some advice, that's where my father should have been but no, I just had to stay confused and unsure as to why this had happened and how to move on.
Time eventually healed my mental wounds and I moved on, Started talking to different girls that lived close by. But every time after I met them thing's wouldn't be the same, there feelings would change and they would never be the same with me again, in fact half of the time they would just stop talking to me altogether, This happened with up to 3 girls.
I knew it had something to do with my looks and went through depression afterwards, which was the main reason I stopped going school because I just felt ugly, and hated being seen by the public because I got really paranoid and thought everyone was talking about me in a bad way... even though half of the time it would just be a group of friends having a normal laugh and not have anything to do with me.
I eventually had to move on because it was getting beyond a joke, Then I met this other girl, thing's weren't the same between me and her because I didn't have the same feelings as my ex, But eventually I got cheated on by her after 1 month of going out, I started going through depression again and I just hated life in general, I just couldn't understand why this was all happening to me because my friends were having no problems with girls. At this point I didn't care about not seeing my dad any more, it just didn't bother me any more.
Now it's come up to November 2011, I finished school earlier that year but still haven't picked up my grades because I know they'll be very bad, even my family know it secretly that's why they don't care that I've still not collected my exam results.
But yeah 2011, On the very first day of November I started talking to this girl that had randomly added on Facebook, she lived very local to me and we instantly clicked and spoke everyday. a few months later i started growing feelings for her. I know I hadn't met her before so it may sound dumb, but she genuinely made me so happy everyday so it was reasonable at the time. She was the same and got jealous easily if I was to talk to any other girl's so i promised her that she was the only girl I liked, Things were looking good, I kept asking her if we could meet but she kept saying she was busy with dance and stuff like that. Now we come up to April of 2012, I finally arrange to meet her and this time she's not busy, we exchange messages and I tell her how nervous I am about meeting her, I tell her about my past with girls and how bad looking I am, I tell her I'd be a disappointment to her when she see's me in person, She promised me I had nothing to worry about... I wasn't so sure but remained hopeful, maybe I'm not so bad after all and it's all just been in my head?
The day we meet finally arrives, I'm very nervous but I try my best to not show her by attempting to play Football with a friend, she arrives and I tell my friends I'd meet back up with them in an hour or two, I took her to this nice lake, nice and quiet, was kind of cold though but nothing too bad, the sun was out and I thought it was a cute idea. We had a beautiful view and as far as I was concerned everything was just perfect, we spoke for a good hour, about school and parents and other random things, I made her laugh a lot, well... until she got too cold and said she had to go home, I really wanted to hug her when I said goodbye but I was too scared of her not wanting to, it's like I just knew something wasn't quite right. she goes back home and I meet back up with my mates but we continue to talk by texting, At this point things are finally looking great. my friends were really happy for me, asking how things went and if we hugged or anything, I was in one of the best moods ever at that moment, for once I finally felt like a normal teenager, but deep down something was telling me that thing's were too good to be true...
The moon rises that night and I'm still talking to her, things are still going good and then it reaches midnight, I'm walking back home from my friends house but still messaging her. That's when she tells me she's got something to get off her chest... I instantly knew what was going to come as my heart suddenly dropped and I had that horrible gut feeling. I ask her what she has to get off her chest, then she say's she can never see us being more than friends, i just started crying the rest of that night, Why did I let myself grow so attached to her without even meeting first? Because I was extremely naive.
I put on a brave smile after that, didn't know what i was going to do though, maybe she was just confused and didn't mean what she said? For once I just prayed for something positive to happen, something that could finally make me say "I love my life."
But no, she meant what she said, I asked her the day after, Turns out I never would be with her, A week later I noticed my name had been replaced by some other guys name, I told her how I felt about being replaced in which she replied
"You'll never be replaced because you never judged me and always made me happy and listened to me no matter how boring I can be"
This is when my mate tells me to ask her one last thing... so this was when I said;
"Please can you give me one more chance to prove I'm right for you?"
Looking back on it I realised how weird this was, if someone doesn't have an interest in you then it's not a good idea to try and force it, once again I was naive and took bad advice.
The reply to that text felt like a lifetime, I couldn't stop looking at my phone but at the same time I was scared about what the reply would be. Then finally it came...
Nope, Wasn't good enough, she pretty much said no and for once in my life I burst into tears in front of a friend, he'd never seen the sad side of me before because I hide my sadness or anger, it's much easier than explaining why you feel the way you do.
To conclude this journal I'd like to really thank you if you've got this far.
But that's all really, I'd like to end this on a happy note but I guess in my life that'll never be the case. I'll always be a mess up and I don't think I'll ever settle down because I will NEVER be good enough, I'm not looking for attention in any way, I just had to write this journal though because I can no longer go on with it inside of my head and I just cannot open up to anyone in person. It's a shame really but that's how unfair life can be to some people I guess. It's also horrifying just how easy your mind can turn yourself into your own worst enemy.
When I was 13 I had my first girlfriend, She was great looking and things were finally looking good after not seeing my dad for almost 2 years already, I felt happy and most of all I felt loved, I met this girl regularly... well, up until she cheated on me with a best friend of mine. The next few months were a nightmare, I was getting very dark thoughts and knew this wasn't right for a 13 year old, I desperately needed some advice, that's where my father should have been but no, I just had to stay confused and unsure as to why this had happened and how to move on.
Time eventually healed my mental wounds and I moved on, Started talking to different girls that lived close by. But every time after I met them thing's wouldn't be the same, there feelings would change and they would never be the same with me again, in fact half of the time they would just stop talking to me altogether, This happened with up to 3 girls.
I knew it had something to do with my looks and went through depression afterwards, which was the main reason I stopped going school because I just felt ugly, and hated being seen by the public because I got really paranoid and thought everyone was talking about me in a bad way... even though half of the time it would just be a group of friends having a normal laugh and not have anything to do with me.
I eventually had to move on because it was getting beyond a joke, Then I met this other girl, thing's weren't the same between me and her because I didn't have the same feelings as my ex, But eventually I got cheated on by her after 1 month of going out, I started going through depression again and I just hated life in general, I just couldn't understand why this was all happening to me because my friends were having no problems with girls. At this point I didn't care about not seeing my dad any more, it just didn't bother me any more.
Now it's come up to November 2011, I finished school earlier that year but still haven't picked up my grades because I know they'll be very bad, even my family know it secretly that's why they don't care that I've still not collected my exam results.
But yeah 2011, On the very first day of November I started talking to this girl that had randomly added on Facebook, she lived very local to me and we instantly clicked and spoke everyday. a few months later i started growing feelings for her. I know I hadn't met her before so it may sound dumb, but she genuinely made me so happy everyday so it was reasonable at the time. She was the same and got jealous easily if I was to talk to any other girl's so i promised her that she was the only girl I liked, Things were looking good, I kept asking her if we could meet but she kept saying she was busy with dance and stuff like that. Now we come up to April of 2012, I finally arrange to meet her and this time she's not busy, we exchange messages and I tell her how nervous I am about meeting her, I tell her about my past with girls and how bad looking I am, I tell her I'd be a disappointment to her when she see's me in person, She promised me I had nothing to worry about... I wasn't so sure but remained hopeful, maybe I'm not so bad after all and it's all just been in my head?
The day we meet finally arrives, I'm very nervous but I try my best to not show her by attempting to play Football with a friend, she arrives and I tell my friends I'd meet back up with them in an hour or two, I took her to this nice lake, nice and quiet, was kind of cold though but nothing too bad, the sun was out and I thought it was a cute idea. We had a beautiful view and as far as I was concerned everything was just perfect, we spoke for a good hour, about school and parents and other random things, I made her laugh a lot, well... until she got too cold and said she had to go home, I really wanted to hug her when I said goodbye but I was too scared of her not wanting to, it's like I just knew something wasn't quite right. she goes back home and I meet back up with my mates but we continue to talk by texting, At this point things are finally looking great. my friends were really happy for me, asking how things went and if we hugged or anything, I was in one of the best moods ever at that moment, for once I finally felt like a normal teenager, but deep down something was telling me that thing's were too good to be true...
The moon rises that night and I'm still talking to her, things are still going good and then it reaches midnight, I'm walking back home from my friends house but still messaging her. That's when she tells me she's got something to get off her chest... I instantly knew what was going to come as my heart suddenly dropped and I had that horrible gut feeling. I ask her what she has to get off her chest, then she say's she can never see us being more than friends, i just started crying the rest of that night, Why did I let myself grow so attached to her without even meeting first? Because I was extremely naive.
I put on a brave smile after that, didn't know what i was going to do though, maybe she was just confused and didn't mean what she said? For once I just prayed for something positive to happen, something that could finally make me say "I love my life."
But no, she meant what she said, I asked her the day after, Turns out I never would be with her, A week later I noticed my name had been replaced by some other guys name, I told her how I felt about being replaced in which she replied
"You'll never be replaced because you never judged me and always made me happy and listened to me no matter how boring I can be"
This is when my mate tells me to ask her one last thing... so this was when I said;
"Please can you give me one more chance to prove I'm right for you?"
Looking back on it I realised how weird this was, if someone doesn't have an interest in you then it's not a good idea to try and force it, once again I was naive and took bad advice.
The reply to that text felt like a lifetime, I couldn't stop looking at my phone but at the same time I was scared about what the reply would be. Then finally it came...
Nope, Wasn't good enough, she pretty much said no and for once in my life I burst into tears in front of a friend, he'd never seen the sad side of me before because I hide my sadness or anger, it's much easier than explaining why you feel the way you do.
To conclude this journal I'd like to really thank you if you've got this far.
But that's all really, I'd like to end this on a happy note but I guess in my life that'll never be the case. I'll always be a mess up and I don't think I'll ever settle down because I will NEVER be good enough, I'm not looking for attention in any way, I just had to write this journal though because I can no longer go on with it inside of my head and I just cannot open up to anyone in person. It's a shame really but that's how unfair life can be to some people I guess. It's also horrifying just how easy your mind can turn yourself into your own worst enemy.
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