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All my life I've felt unloved ever since my father never really showed any compassion and was never involved in my upbringing. I've had almost no contact with him since the age of 12, I only saw him up to 5 times a year before that from the age of 4/5, in fact the last time I saw him was at my granddads funeral. My mother and him could never sort their differences out especially when he started to drink more. Ever since that happened things turned to shit, I had no father figure and my mum was too easy with me so my school work started getting worse, and I started to get easily stressed out. I started turning extremely shy because I felt like an outsider compared to most other kids.. who knows how many friends I missed out on because of that, being shy also must have made me look weird because I can remember being called weird by this girl for no reason at all really... it might not seem like an insult to most people, but to me it felt like how a girl would feel after being insulted because of her weight. I didn't really have any hobbies and didn't do very much in my free time because my brother had his own mates and my friends only played football and I wasn't good enough to join in, I've never been good at many things though really, at school I was the guy that was picked last for sports teams. The fact people know you're bad at something without ever seeing you do it before says something really, maybe I just look useless I don't know. In my final year of school I stopped going, my attendance was approximately 40% by the end, I got told to not do 3 of my subjects because my attendance was so low, I'm not going to blame my dad for it but I'm sure thing's would have been much different if he was still here.
When I was 13 I had my first girlfriend, She was great looking and things were finally looking good after not seeing my dad for almost 2 years already, I felt happy and most of all I felt loved, I met this girl regularly... well, up until she cheated on me with a best friend of mine. The next few months were a nightmare, I was getting very dark thoughts and knew this wasn't right for a 13 year old, I desperately needed some advice, that's where my father should have been but no, I just had to stay confused and unsure as to why this had happened and how to move on.
Time eventually healed my mental wounds and I moved on, Started talking to different girls that lived close by. But every time after I met them thing's wouldn't be the same, there feelings would change and they would never be the same with me again, in fact half of the time they would just stop talking to me altogether, This happened with up to 3 girls.
I knew it had something to do with my looks and went through depression afterwards, which was the main reason I stopped going school because I just felt ugly, and hated being seen by the public because I got really paranoid and thought everyone was talking about me in a bad way... even though half of the time it would just be a group of friends having a normal laugh and not have anything to do with me.
I eventually had to move on because it was getting beyond a joke, Then I met this other girl, thing's weren't the same between me and her because I didn't have the same feelings as my ex, But eventually I got cheated on by her after 1 month of going out, I started going through depression again and I just hated life in general, I just couldn't understand why this was all happening to me because my friends were having no problems with girls. At this point I didn't care about not seeing my dad any more, it just didn't bother me any more.
Now it's come up to November 2011, I finished school earlier that year but still haven't picked up my grades because I know they'll be very bad, even my family know it secretly that's why they don't care that I've still not collected my exam results.
But yeah 2011, On the very first day of November I started talking to this girl that had randomly added on Facebook, she lived very local to me and we instantly clicked and spoke everyday. a few months later i started growing feelings for her. I know I hadn't met her before so it may sound dumb, but she genuinely made me so happy everyday so it was reasonable at the time. She was the same and got jealous easily if I was to talk to any other girl's so i promised her that she was the only girl I liked, Things were looking good, I kept asking her if we could meet but she kept saying she was busy with dance and stuff like that. Now we come up to April of 2012, I finally arrange to meet her and this time she's not busy, we exchange messages and I tell her how nervous I am about meeting her, I tell her about my past with girls and how bad looking I am, I tell her I'd be a disappointment to her when she see's me in person, She promised me I had nothing to worry about... I wasn't so sure but remained hopeful, maybe I'm not so bad after all and it's all just been in my head?
The day we meet finally arrives, I'm very nervous but I try my best to not show her by attempting to play Football with a friend, she arrives and I tell my friends I'd meet back up with them in an hour or two, I took her to this nice lake, nice and quiet, was kind of cold though but nothing too bad, the sun was out and I thought it was a cute idea. We had a beautiful view and as far as I was concerned everything was just perfect, we spoke for a good hour, about school and parents and other random things, I made her laugh a lot, well... until she got too cold and said she had to go home, I really wanted to hug her when I said goodbye but I was too scared of her not wanting to, it's like I just knew something wasn't quite right. she goes back home and I meet back up with my mates but we continue to talk by texting, At this point things are finally looking great. my friends were really happy for me, asking how things went and if we hugged or anything, I was in one of the best moods ever at that moment, for once I finally felt like a normal teenager, but deep down something was telling me that thing's were too good to be true...
The moon rises that night and I'm still talking to her, things are still going good and then it reaches midnight, I'm walking back home from my friends house but still messaging her. That's when she tells me she's got something to get off her chest... I instantly knew what was going to come as my heart suddenly dropped and I had that horrible gut feeling. I ask her what she has to get off her chest, then she say's she can never see us being more than friends, i just started crying the rest of that night, Why did I let myself grow so attached to her without even meeting first? Because I was extremely naive.
I put on a brave smile after that, didn't know what i was going to do though, maybe she was just confused and didn't mean what she said? For once I just prayed for something positive to happen, something that could finally make me say "I love my life."
But no, she meant what she said, I asked her the day after, Turns out I never would be with her, A week later I noticed my name had been replaced by some other guys name, I told her how I felt about being replaced in which she replied
"You'll never be replaced because you never judged me and always made me happy and listened to me no matter how boring I can be"
This is when my mate tells me to ask her one last thing... so this was when I said;
"Please can you give me one more chance to prove I'm right for you?"
Looking back on it I realised how weird this was, if someone doesn't have an interest in you then it's not a good idea to try and force it, once again I was naive and took bad advice.
The reply to that text felt like a lifetime, I couldn't stop looking at my phone but at the same time I was scared about what the reply would be. Then finally it came...
Nope, Wasn't good enough, she pretty much said no and for once in my life I burst into tears in front of a friend, he'd never seen the sad side of me before because I hide my sadness or anger, it's much easier than explaining why you feel the way you do.
To conclude this journal I'd like to really thank you if you've got this far.
But that's all really, I'd like to end this on a happy note but I guess in my life that'll never be the case. I'll always be a mess up and I don't think I'll ever settle down because I will NEVER be good enough, I'm not looking for attention in any way, I just had to write this journal though because I can no longer go on with it inside of my head and I just cannot open up to anyone in person. It's a shame really but that's how unfair life can be to some people I guess. It's also horrifying just how easy your mind can turn yourself into your own worst enemy.
When I was 13 I had my first girlfriend, She was great looking and things were finally looking good after not seeing my dad for almost 2 years already, I felt happy and most of all I felt loved, I met this girl regularly... well, up until she cheated on me with a best friend of mine. The next few months were a nightmare, I was getting very dark thoughts and knew this wasn't right for a 13 year old, I desperately needed some advice, that's where my father should have been but no, I just had to stay confused and unsure as to why this had happened and how to move on.
Time eventually healed my mental wounds and I moved on, Started talking to different girls that lived close by. But every time after I met them thing's wouldn't be the same, there feelings would change and they would never be the same with me again, in fact half of the time they would just stop talking to me altogether, This happened with up to 3 girls.
I knew it had something to do with my looks and went through depression afterwards, which was the main reason I stopped going school because I just felt ugly, and hated being seen by the public because I got really paranoid and thought everyone was talking about me in a bad way... even though half of the time it would just be a group of friends having a normal laugh and not have anything to do with me.
I eventually had to move on because it was getting beyond a joke, Then I met this other girl, thing's weren't the same between me and her because I didn't have the same feelings as my ex, But eventually I got cheated on by her after 1 month of going out, I started going through depression again and I just hated life in general, I just couldn't understand why this was all happening to me because my friends were having no problems with girls. At this point I didn't care about not seeing my dad any more, it just didn't bother me any more.
Now it's come up to November 2011, I finished school earlier that year but still haven't picked up my grades because I know they'll be very bad, even my family know it secretly that's why they don't care that I've still not collected my exam results.
But yeah 2011, On the very first day of November I started talking to this girl that had randomly added on Facebook, she lived very local to me and we instantly clicked and spoke everyday. a few months later i started growing feelings for her. I know I hadn't met her before so it may sound dumb, but she genuinely made me so happy everyday so it was reasonable at the time. She was the same and got jealous easily if I was to talk to any other girl's so i promised her that she was the only girl I liked, Things were looking good, I kept asking her if we could meet but she kept saying she was busy with dance and stuff like that. Now we come up to April of 2012, I finally arrange to meet her and this time she's not busy, we exchange messages and I tell her how nervous I am about meeting her, I tell her about my past with girls and how bad looking I am, I tell her I'd be a disappointment to her when she see's me in person, She promised me I had nothing to worry about... I wasn't so sure but remained hopeful, maybe I'm not so bad after all and it's all just been in my head?
The day we meet finally arrives, I'm very nervous but I try my best to not show her by attempting to play Football with a friend, she arrives and I tell my friends I'd meet back up with them in an hour or two, I took her to this nice lake, nice and quiet, was kind of cold though but nothing too bad, the sun was out and I thought it was a cute idea. We had a beautiful view and as far as I was concerned everything was just perfect, we spoke for a good hour, about school and parents and other random things, I made her laugh a lot, well... until she got too cold and said she had to go home, I really wanted to hug her when I said goodbye but I was too scared of her not wanting to, it's like I just knew something wasn't quite right. she goes back home and I meet back up with my mates but we continue to talk by texting, At this point things are finally looking great. my friends were really happy for me, asking how things went and if we hugged or anything, I was in one of the best moods ever at that moment, for once I finally felt like a normal teenager, but deep down something was telling me that thing's were too good to be true...
The moon rises that night and I'm still talking to her, things are still going good and then it reaches midnight, I'm walking back home from my friends house but still messaging her. That's when she tells me she's got something to get off her chest... I instantly knew what was going to come as my heart suddenly dropped and I had that horrible gut feeling. I ask her what she has to get off her chest, then she say's she can never see us being more than friends, i just started crying the rest of that night, Why did I let myself grow so attached to her without even meeting first? Because I was extremely naive.
I put on a brave smile after that, didn't know what i was going to do though, maybe she was just confused and didn't mean what she said? For once I just prayed for something positive to happen, something that could finally make me say "I love my life."
But no, she meant what she said, I asked her the day after, Turns out I never would be with her, A week later I noticed my name had been replaced by some other guys name, I told her how I felt about being replaced in which she replied
"You'll never be replaced because you never judged me and always made me happy and listened to me no matter how boring I can be"
This is when my mate tells me to ask her one last thing... so this was when I said;
"Please can you give me one more chance to prove I'm right for you?"
Looking back on it I realised how weird this was, if someone doesn't have an interest in you then it's not a good idea to try and force it, once again I was naive and took bad advice.
The reply to that text felt like a lifetime, I couldn't stop looking at my phone but at the same time I was scared about what the reply would be. Then finally it came...
Nope, Wasn't good enough, she pretty much said no and for once in my life I burst into tears in front of a friend, he'd never seen the sad side of me before because I hide my sadness or anger, it's much easier than explaining why you feel the way you do.
To conclude this journal I'd like to really thank you if you've got this far.
But that's all really, I'd like to end this on a happy note but I guess in my life that'll never be the case. I'll always be a mess up and I don't think I'll ever settle down because I will NEVER be good enough, I'm not looking for attention in any way, I just had to write this journal though because I can no longer go on with it inside of my head and I just cannot open up to anyone in person. It's a shame really but that's how unfair life can be to some people I guess. It's also horrifying just how easy your mind can turn yourself into your own worst enemy.
Throwback to the most embarrassing first date ever
Please do excuse this journal if it’s a bit of a mess, writing has never been my strongest point but I’ll try and make it as easy as possible and 100% true! -cringes-
I’ve posted this once already but forgot to proof read it like an idiot so here goes TAKE #2
So let’s go back to January 2018, I’ve been chatting to this girl (we shall call her Shaniqua for privacy’s sake.) but yeah, I’ve been seeing this girl from a dating app for the past few weeks and we’ve met two or three times. Chemistry seems quite high and everything so far has been smooth sailing. Neither of us have been catfished, well
Living with anxiety and depression
People think I’m happy and outgoing and pleasant all of the time. Especially when I’d work. But to be honest most days I could break down and cry at any second. My anxiety makes me feel like everyone hates me and is judging me constantly. And most days I believe it with all of my heart. Most days, I feel like no one is ever going to understand.
2018 was meant to be the year of self discovery, so why has facing my problems crippled me mentally?
Man I just can’t put into words what I’m feeling. How can I explain to you how I’m feeling when I don’t even understand it myself? Pretty accurate for many of my da
50k page views
Only just noticed that but a special thank you to my watchers (I know not many of you are active any more because it's been sooooo long but yeah😂😂
Here's to 100k eventually! 🍻
The beginning of the end?
I feel like Deviant Art has changed massively the past few years, unsure if its a good change or bad but it feels like feedback is not quite as big any more, I remember when having your art getting viewed was a very common thing and it was always great having feedback or constructive criticism but it seems to be very rare now.
Now these things were always obviously going to happen with the vast increase of deviants & artwork being added but it was one of the main things, the excitement of having someone critic your hard work was so worth it!
The biggest thing is I've lost a major part of motivation and free time for creating new artwork
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Its OK I guess at least you have DA and all the good people